Weighed down by expectations

I'm trying something new this summer - an online book club of sorts...  reading through a book, dialoguing with 400 some new "friends" on Facebook, and adding my own thoughts here on the blog...

What book?  Grace for the Good Girl by Emily P. Freeman. 



Am I a good girl?  That really was my first thought as I picked up this book.  My track record has a bit too much rebellion for me to call myself a good girl and keep a straight face!  Ah - but I've always like the reputation of a good girl - even while living a secret double life!

It didn't take many page turns (or in my case, Kindle clicks) to realize this book does apply to me.  Like Emily, my "invisible good girl [follows] me around... showing up without permission to shame and blame and scold...  She [represents] the girl I wanted to be but could never live up to."

My parents raised four independent, self-sufficient girls, which I always though was a good thing.  We are competent, responsible and "get it done" kind of women.  But that can be a lonely place.  I resonated deeply with this statement:

"I taught people around me that I had not needs and then was secretly angry with them for believing me."

 This mindset of independence - it's not how the Lord designed.  He created and called us to interdependence.  The Body of Christ was designed for relationship. 

Authentic relationship. 

Come-as-you-are, mask-free relationship.

In reality - I don't like you to see my faults.  I fear your rejection.  Even as I type this, I wonder if I have the guts to publish it.  I want to be perfect - to have my act together.  It's why piano recitals were so hard.  When it's just you - everyone knows you made the mistake. 

Uh oh. Did you hear that?  The theme of people-pleasing?  A root issue in this girl's heart.  Call it what you will... co-dependency, people-pleasing or being a good girl wannabe - this mix of taking responsibility for more than what's mine to own - coupled with fear of rejection produces a dangerous blend. 

Grace.  I am desperate for it.  Desperate to grow in it.  Tired of being crippled by my fear of rejection.  Weighed down by the expectations I live under, I'm eager to be free of my "safety nets".  I want to risk to love and stop performing and living in the "land of should be".

Growing in grace is linked to growing in my knowledge and relationship with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ - and I am desperate for His help.